Woke up this morning wondering whether one can meditate while asleep, because I dreamt (or perhaps actually experienced) a moment when I dropped into a total meditative state, with lights shining—and all—in the shape of a pulsating triangle. It startled, or more so scared, me. I was worried that I might remain in that state and so I tentatively engaged with that moment-in-reverie, but not for too long.
And perhaps this is what is going on with me at this juncture – a refusal to “Let Go!” A refusal to surrender to divine elements and, thus, not be my controlling self.
But surrender I will, even if it is the very, very last thing that I do. Because I need to fall into something larger than me, in order to be what is essentially me.
This is what I am most afraid of: losing myself, losing the familiar I, losing the ability to not be clairvoyant—to not be hypersensitive to a maddening world that has remained intolerable for those of us who seek kindness and love; until we realize that to be kindness and love, we must not see the world as intolerable.
So how then does one recognize the “burning of the world” (as described by J. Krishnamurti), while loving it all the same? How does one not fall into comparisons? How does one move away from the binary—not me but you; not this but that; not good but bad; and so on?
This is what I want to learn and know, as I navigate the in-between of so many worlds—it has become difficult to count. In the process, I hope not to get lost. I also hope to share this way with others who care to join in, while I simultaneously do it all alone.
I have searched high and low – all my life – for a teacher, a mentor, a sponsor even, only to discover that I am my own guru-student and that this world-at-large teaches through me, whenever I find it in myself to really be attentive. It brings me ideas, books, videos, people—several encounters in a whole heap of other experiences that indicate what it is time to do.
But I also do not listen.
I am often unaware, unschooled, untrained, uninspired and so uninformed about the gifts that surround me and the magic that abounds in the utterly mundane.
It is here that I long to reside: in the same space and moment in which I am drowning in my veritable inversion of what can save me. I feel like there is water, water, everywhere and yet I cannot drink of it. Believing this to be true, I do not taste the pure spring that bubbles up in and around me. I almost missed it – for I am befuddled. I am drawn into the materiality of this gadget or other, this job or another, this acquisition or that, this inability to be famous or the next.
I said I almost missed it. And for that I am grateful to be kinda in this world of civilizational progress, grateful for the dis-ease it has always afforded me. For then, I know (and I have always known) that I am sick. And this has led me to seek healing. It is what has made me the ‘almost’, which is slowly saving me from in-sanity. It is what put me on these first steps onto The Way, where I am guided by the wisdom of the plenti-full traditions that face toward enlightenment. It is what has made me the questioner, with no guarantee of a response. It is what keeps me wondering: what is this life, and how should I make of it what I will? And should I even be striving to make of this life anything other than learning to love with a kindness that befits the total distress of every-body in this game of progress?
These and many other questions persuade me into a different manner of being: an (un)thinking of how and why I am, a strong desire to be Freedom2BE, a calling to traverse beyond what is normal into what is yet to be even imagined, a curious BE-Coming, a Moyocoyotzin—she who creates herself beyond the gendered binaries of a categorical English language that I-and-I frolic within for expression. I'm here, at the end of my tether, tightrope walking into some freefall, and “E go be.”